Pushing Through Fear

July 15th, 2025
There is no room to walk in my small living room with all the baggage and boxes filled with medical supplies and equipment. I have been preparing for weeks. I have, yet, to pack our clothes and personal items. Last week, I woke from sleep at 3:00 am with a panic attack. Why did I think I could handle all this? Are we going to be safe? Is it even real? We’ve waited more than two decades for something REAL. What if it doesn’t even exist? I’ve been working over-time for several weeks so I’m sure the lack of sleep and high stress played a role in my anxiety.

None-the-less, all communication with the Center has been through emails and WhatsApp. Our hotel reservation was made through the NeuroCytronics Center’s staff. What if it was all fake? I tried to confirm my reservation by making an international call to the hotel directly but couldn’t get through. I called my carrier and paid for a subscription for international calling. My call still failed to go through. My carrier tried to call the hotel for me and he, too, could not get through. I felt myself spiralling before their supervisor said it would take 1-2 days to work.

I buried myself into the research again, reviewing everything I could find. I read the skepticism as well as the supportive information. The skepticism was weak. There wasn’t much to grab onto. I reminded myself that Shreis Scalene Sciences, is NeuroCytrotron’s sister research centre here in Maryland, USA, using the SAME therapy for FDA approved conditions. Although Cerebral Palsy is not on the USA approved list (at this time) Mexico’s FDA equivalent has approved the treatment specifically for Cerebral Palsy and have been treating kiddos like mine for years with no known adverse effects. I took deep breaths and centered myself.

I pulled up posts from mothers, like me, and came to a mother on Facebook who shared daily updates during their sessions. She and her daughter finished the treatments last month that we are soon undergoing. They are now home. She was exhausted, but hopeful. She had support at home for her other children during her absence, but missed her babies at home terribly throughout the separation. Then, in the midst of her good intentions to share her story for people like me, a sad thing happened- When she opened herself up on social media, she let criticism in and found herself being attacked by people who simply could not understand why she would schlep her daughter out of the U.S for a treatment that had not yet been approved here. I understood. I know. I navigate medical and research fields daily with Julius. We experience delay after delay after delay for just about everything. I wrote to her. She wrote back providing love and support. I feel a fortunate kinship and relief in finding her, a validation from someone who knows what we feel as mothers when we want our children to be healthy and comfortable. From my experience, the Cerebral Palsy label has left many complacent. It’s been around a long time. “Love your child while you have him” is the vibe. Please understand, I love and accept Julius exactly the way he is. We never feel sorry for ourselves, on the contrary actually- my son has empowered me in ways I could have never imagined. True love and acceptance does not equal complacency. I will never be complacent about us. I want the same for him as you want for your children- happiness, good health, longevity, purpose….

So, we received our schedule from the Research Center. Julius will start with an EEG, followed by an MRI, then blood-work, then a neurological evaluation, before the daily protocol begins. When the protocol is finished, these initial tests will be repeated and any neurological and/or physiological changes will be documented.

I have decided not to post daily updates on social media after seeing how this other mother was broken down by negativity. It is absolutely imperative that I stay strong, positive and above all, alert and focused on this process. I will still keep you all informed, but not as often as I initially intended. Tomorrow is my birthday. The gift I ask for is safety, healing and kindness. PLEASE send us your prayers, your positivity, your love. If you are able to soften the blow for these expenses we are very grateful. I am still afraid, but moving forward one step at a time, as we navigate obstacles with as much grace as I can muster. Thank you for being here. A side note- I mistakenly said the Research Center is in Mexico City. I’m unfamiliar with the region. It’s actually north of Mexico City, close to the Texas border in beautiful Monterrey.

PICTURED: The kiddos working with me all weekend during the deinstall for the Annual Nomad Show sponsored by Torrance Art Museum.